If you missed my previous dating experience, catch up here: http://blogs.davelozinski.com/dating/dating-women-and-dating-games-part-14.
Emotional blackmail at its finest.
I met “Kirsten” one year at the end of January when she flew in from overseas to visit friends. We had a delightful 2-hour date on a Saturday which went so well she invited me out to dinner with her friends Saturday night. She was flying out Monday afternoon, but I also took time off work to catch up with her for a few hours before she left.
Normally I wouldn’t have considered anything more serious than just some friendly catch-ups since it would have been long distance. But, during that short weekend, I learned that her plans were to quit her overseas job and relocate back to Perth because she wasn’t crazy about her job. She was also planning a 4 week vacation to France in September with a girlfriend of hers.
No big deal, right?
We continued to send messages and I called her on the phone frequently.
In essence, I semi-relapsed into doing a long-distance relationship because she was hoping to be back in Perth by the end of that year.
How the relationship progressed after the first weekend
She was going to Melbourne for a long weekend to celebrate her dad’s 70th in March. Her plane tickets and hotel room were already booked, but she invited me along. I told her I’d pay for half the hotel room costs; I also said I’d pay half for a rental car she was already getting since we would probably want to drive around and visit a few places together. I booked my own airline tickets and took time off work for the occasion.
Upon arrival, I immediately paid her, in cash, the amount I owed for the hotel and rental car without her having to ask.
I also threw her a surprise celebration
We had a great weekend and much to her surprise, I figured out it was her birthday that weekend too so when she came back from her dad’s party I threw a surprise one for her!
She was absolutely delighted!
What a great guy I am even if I do say so myself. 🙂
The next trip
She invited me over to her neck of the woods for a few weeks. She couldn’t take any time off except maybe 2 days total because she was saving it up for her European trip. “No worries!” I said. It’ll do me good just to have time away. Besides, I’m a grown man and can find plenty to do to keep myself busy touring the local areas.
In short, I thought nothing of it: I took the time off, dug out my passport, booked my plane tickets, and spent the time doing my own self-guided tours while she worked.
As a bonus, almost every day I timed my schedule to be able to pick her up after work.
Again, what a great guy I am even if I do say so myself. 🙂
Two months later…
…she was back in Australia for a work conference. 5 days. Monday – Friday, from around 8am – 7pm every day.
We took advantage of the surrounding weekends, and booked flights to arrive early the Saturday morning before.
Again, I paid her in cash (so she would have local Australian currency) half the costs of the hotel room for Sat/Sun (her work wasn’t paying for those days), and took almost 2 full days off work.
Saturday and Sunday were great as we explored and spent time together.
Monday, while she was at the conference, I further explored the local area above and beyond what we had done over the weekend.
Tuesday morning I flew back home. Before leaving, I left her a rose, which she was delighted to find when she later woke up.
As her work conference week drew to a close, she flew out Friday evening to visit with me until Sunday evening when she flew home; she only had to pay for the flight to me as her work paid for everything else.
We considered a trip to meet in Brisbane
We had talked about going to Brisbane in the June/July time frame as she wanted to visit some relatives. Apparently it was really important to her that we go. We discussed the trip and decided against it. Not only were we somewhat tired from all the recent traveling we had just done, but also because the round-trip tickets were roughly $850, plus $200/night hotel costs, plus other misc costs for maybe 2 full days together.
And that was best case scenario depending on the timing of our flights.
Summary to date
Up until this point I had already spent several thousand $$$ and taken close to 4 weeks off work; she’s taken maybe 4 days off total and the only trip she made to specifically see me was the one way ticket to spend 2 days after her work conference (remember her work paid for everything else because she was already going).
Is this looking lop-sided to you yet?
It did to me too, but I didn’t think anything of it because I knew she was saving up for her European holiday.
But, as you would expect since I’m blogging about this, the plot is about to thicken.
Since we decided against Brisbane, and she was going to Europe, I said it would be awesome if she’d be able to stop by and visit me for a few days before continuing on to Europe, offering to cover half the cost of the flight to me. I then said it would be great if she could stop by and visit on her way back. However, I also said I’d completely understand if she didn’t because after a long vacation, most people just want to get home. Timing was tight too as she’d be arriving early on Saturday and have to leave again Sunday afternoon.
In the end she decided she would like to visit 4 days beforehand and also stop by on the return. I thought that was great!
Now for the juicy stuff.
One day, in early August, I gave her a call to see how she’s doing. Her emails and messages were suddenly short, and she never called me.
So during our conversation, she made the following points which I’m going to address one by one:
- she felt like I wasn’t putting any effort into the relationship.
- – Wait a minute and back the bus up sweetheart.
- I took time off the first weekend we met so I could spend more time with her before she left;
- I took time off, and covered half the hotel/rental car costs for the long weekend of your dad’s 70th because it was important to you;
- I arranged a special surprise birthday celebration for you after your dad’s party;
- I took 3 weeks off and flew international to be with you, in your country, knowing you couldn’t take any time off;
- I took time off and covered half the costs again pre-work conference just to be with you;
- I’m the one always calling you because you never call me.
I feel like you’re not putting any effort into the relationship. All those trips you’ve made already don’t count because they’re in the past. -Kirsten
- – During my “cross exam”, I asked where she’s taken any time off or flew to specifically spend time with me?
- Her original trip here doesn’t count because she was already here visiting friends;
- Her trip to Melbourne doesn’t count because she already had that room and tickets for her dad’s party;
- She took 2 days total during the few weeks I spent in her country;
- The only instance I could think of is when she flew in to her work conference 2 days early (which she didn’t have to pay before because her work was already covering it) and the 2 days after when she flew to visit me before returning home.
Are you ready for her logic?
She said all those trips *I* made do not count because they’re in the past and…
- … because I didn’t make an effort to go to Brisbane, which was very important to her.
- – I had to stop her again and remind her that it was a mutual decision not to go to Brisbane.
- – I had to point out I flew into Melbourne to see her and be with her dad for his 70th because that was clearly conveyed to me as being important to her.
- – I also asked her if it was such a big issue, why did she never once raise it while we were together before or after her work conference? Or if it was such an important family trip how come she never went on her own?
She couldn’t answer.
Then she claimed…
- – I told her she knew I had a very important appointment, which I made her aware of on several occasions and reaffirmed with her after her work conference.
- – I also reminded her that the exact dates of the appointment were unknown at the time, so couldn’t commit to flying to Europe.
- And! I didn’t receive its confirmation until after she booked her tickets, which placed it towards the latter half of her trip.
According to her, that was just an excuse. I said we’ve known about this for the last 4 months. It’s now scheduled several days before your return flight. Even if I were to fly out immediately afterwards, you have no more vacation time and I’m not spending 20 hours flying all the way to Europe for just a few days.
Then she had the gall to say……I was rolling in money and was doing everything I could to get out of going to Europe with her too.
- …she hadn’t seen any of the payment yet for her flights through to stay with me before and after.
- – She somehow seems to have conveniently overlooked or forgotten that every time I said I’d help pay for something I did the next time I saw her:
- * I paid her in cash for the hotel room and rental car and she never had to ask for it;
- * I paid her for the hotel room, in cash, prior to the work conference and she never had to ask for it.
My friends think I dodged a big bullet
- her actions are making use of emotional blackmail (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_blackmail) to control me and our relationship.
- she’s spent very little money to visit me specifically, and from point #4 above it appears she would only stop by to visit in anticipation of half her ticket costs being covered.
- she obviously couldn’t handle long-distance and did her best to sabotage the relationship instead of just admitting she couldn’t handle it.
Whether those assessments are accurate or not, they’re certainly justified.
Friends asked me what about the day she was supposed to fly in to see me on her way through to Europe because I took those days off too.
I said it doesn’t matter as I made other plans and will be away most of that weekend.
Without her or anyone else playing emotional head games.
It was a great weekend. 🙂
What do you think? Have you ever dated a person who uses emotional blackmail?