The “monogamish” relationship – is it for you?
Monogamish, initially coined by Dan Savage, came about because the modern monogamous marriage is facing a time of crisis. This crisis knows no geographical bounds, affecting young and old couples alike with divorce rates are hovering above 40% in many areas of the world.
In any other realm, if we saw failure rates that high, we’d innovate or otherwise do something to fix it.
- cars have recalls if there’s malfunctions
- economies get “stimulus” packages
So why do we accept the monogamous marriage in its current form with such high, nearly 50/50, failure rates?
If I offered you a plane ticket, and said the flight has a 50/50 chance of getting to its destination, would you take it?
So why do we still accept the same odds going into marriages? Maybe happily ever after with one soulmate has been too ingrained into our subconscious since birth?
Maybe marriages could benefit from their own “stimulus” package
Some couples have done this already.
There are couples and some singles (such as Scarlett Johansson) that reject monogamy all together.
Swingers. Polyamory. Open relationships. You name it.
But like monogamy, the above only work for a small percentage of relationships too.
That is, there are the few of us where monogamy works; then there’s the other side of the bell curve where “open relationship” works.
What about the rest of us? (cheating is not an option)
Enter the “50 shades gray” area: The Monogamish
Tongue twister time.
Let’s use monogamish to take the monotony out of monogamy that preserves the sanctity, safety, and sanity of a marriage.
What does that mean?
Look to extra-marital sources for sexual stimulation. But only in thought, not in action.
Monogamish in practice
You and your significant other go out on a date night.
a little bit of fear and anxiety, balanced with love, comfort, and security, is the perfect recipe for not only love, but also lust.
You might see someone who’s cute.
You might have taken a second look.
And you might think about them on a break.
And maybe you might think about them later on that night.
But you’re never going to act upon those thoughts.
Admitting to these thoughts also serves to stabilize your relationship.
By putting thoughts out there:
- it reduces their power
- we decrease the likelihood we’ll actually act upon them
Second monogamish method: talk, but not touch
For example, flirting with other people.
- Let’s go back to the date night:
- You’re at a bar with your partner.
- Your waitress is cute.
- You tease your partner a little. “I think she’s checking you out”.
- They flirt with her. Maybe you do too.
- At the end of the night, you go home with your partner.
You continue the talk, weaving it into the bedroom, you pull out all the stops, you both get off in an orgasmic frenzy, the sex is absolutely amazing.
When you’re done, you take your partner by the hand, look them in the eye, and say, “don’t even think it’s going to happen.”
But seriously, all the flirting, fantasy, talk.
You’re breaking the norms of rigid monogamy without touching another person.
You make it what you choose.
Monogamish is a mind-set, not a manner
But every couple deals with jealousies, insecurities that can arise from flirting.
The lady might want to rip that cute waitress’s hair out; some guy might not want a man with broad-shoulders with his six-pack rubbing closely against his wife.
How do you get over it?
Baby steps; a little at a time.
Maybe start by admitting what celebrities you find attractive or something.
Flirting can be hot. It boosts the self-esteem. Might even turn you on watching your partner flirt with another, or another flirt with your partner.
But under the right – consensual – circumstances.
Because a little bit of fear and anxiety, balanced with love, comfort, and security, is the perfect recipe for not only love, but also lust.
Why might monogamish relationships be what we need?
- emotional expression
- balance between connectivity & freedom
- active sex life
We are most happy in our relationships when our partners offer us opportunities for growth. When partners feed this, we’re more happy and attracted to them.
Will monogamish work for you?
Some couples love it. They relish it.
It’s the elements: the sights, the sounds — going to, and living on, that erotic edge.
They may take it further — going to strip clubs or something.
But remember, you make it what you choose.
If strip clubs don’t work for you, don’t go.
If flirting is too risky or uncomfortable, don’t do it. Sign into an adult chat room together instead.
Do what works for you and your relationship.
There is no universal formula for monogamish.
Can “the monogamish” save a failing marriage?
It may; it may not.
But it might just be the lifeline we need to tilt the odds in favor of saving marriages.
So now that you know what know – would you consider living in “the monogamish” if it meant you could shield your relationship from this marriage crisis, strengthen your bond with your spouse, and increase your chances of living happily, ever after?