Asking a Friend of a Date, out on a Date 14


Asking a friend of someone you went on a date with, out on a date

How many of you have gone on a date with someone in which nothing romantically developed any further? But then a few weeks later you saw or met someone who is a friend of that person you went out with that you drew an interest to?

 

Is it kosher to go out on a date with that person? Or not?

 

In today’s social media world, it’s too easy to meet people, especially through friends. We go to a friend’s bbq, or RSVP to a Facebook event, or all comment on an Instagram photo. It’s not uncommon that “friends of a friend” meet or introduce themselves through one of these channels where our “friend” is someone that one of us previously had a date with.

 

We’ve all done it — receiving a “friend request” from someone we don’t know; exchanging witty banter over a posted photo; taking a conversation “offline” to a coffee; or even on Tinder when we both swipe right knowing we have a mutual friendship connection.

 

So it should be no surprise that sometimes what occurs is: Asking a Friend of a Date, out on a Date. Or in simplistic terms, dating a friend of a friend.

 

Here’s a tale that illustrates the point…

 

“Mark” and “Jennifer” were introduced through a mutual friend

Asking A Friend of a Date on a date.

There wasn’t even a kiss at the end of their date.

A few days later, Jennifer contacted Mark and messages were exchanged.

 

These lead to Jennifer asking Mark out.

 

Now, while they had a good time out, nothing happened romantically. That is, there was no hugging, no hand holding, not even a kiss at the end of the date.

 

No second date is ever arranged or considered by either party. In fact, apparently Jennifer herself said she would not go out with Mark again.

 

However, they remain friends, occasionally exchanging the odd message here and there.

 

Fast forward a few weeks

In Mark’s Facebook news feed the section entitled, “People You May Know” appears. It’s that section where pictures of friends of your friends are displayed, along with people who belong to social groups you may be in, or maybe even work at the same place. I don’t know exactly how it chooses the people to display there, but I’ve seen it a few times too, and have become reacquainted with a few old friends this way.

 

Anyway, one of the first photos displayed on Mark’s screen happens to be “Elise”, who (unknown to him at the time) is a friend of Jennifer.

 

Elise’s photo captures Mark’s attention

So much so Mark decided to write Elise a Facebook message. He explained to Elise that her profile came up in his news feed and he liked what he saw. He then asked that if she was single and open to possibilities because he’d like to get to know her better.

 

The Difference of Opinions

Jennifer finds out about Mark’s message. She asked Mark about it and he said yes, he wrote her friend.

 

Jennifer:
“I thought it was poor form and rude of you to contact a friend of mine after we had gone out.”

 

Mark:
“What? So what you’re saying is it’s rude of me to ask and/or go out with anyone you may be friends with because you and I went out on one date a few weeks ago and decided not to pursue anything further?”

 

Jennifer:
“Yes!”

 

Asking a friend of a date on a date

Is Mark rude in asking one of Jennifer’s friends out on a date if he and Jennifer went out together only once, several weeks prior, with no interest in anything further?

Personally, I don’t consider Mark’s actions rude at all.

  • by all accounts Mark wasn’t scouring through Jennifer’s friend list; he didn’t even know initially that Elise was Jennifer’s friend.
  • he and Jennifer went out on one date in which nothing ensued and nothing was going to ensue. In Jennifer’s own words, she wasn’t going to go out with him again;
  • this was several weeks after his date with Jennifer;
  • he wrote her friend what I think sounds like a respectful message;
  • he is under no obligation to let Jennifer know any time he wants to ask someone out on a first date whether or not said potential-date knows Jennifer by zero, one, two, or more, degrees of separation.

 

I think not only is Jennifer slightly jealous, but that her actions are also hypocritical.

 

Why?

 

Did Jennifer ask her mutual friend, who she met Mark through, if it was okay to go out with Mark before Jennifer asked Mark out? As far as I know, she never did. So according to Jennifer, Mark has to ask Jennifer if he can go out with someone, but Jennifer doesn’t have to do the same.

 

But I digress…

 

What do you think?

 
1) Is Mark well within his level of appropriateness? Or has he, in Jennifer’s view, shown “poor form”?
 
2) Is it okay in asking a friend of a former date, out on a date?

 

Leave your thoughts below!

 

  • Nancy from San Fran

    That girl sounds like a real nut case. Don’t date her Dave!

  • Single Man Reading

    Dude, what’s the deal? Is this girl in high school?

  • ingrid

    she might feel like you went around her to meet her friend. she may have introduced you if you would have asked. I don’t know her but this is my take on it.

    • David Lozinski

      Fair point Ingrid. Maybe she did feel that way. However, Mark didn’t know Elise/Jennifer were mutual friends, so how else would he have proceeded? On Facebook you can’t always see who the “mutual connection” is even though it may say you have one. Why? Either or both people could have the privacy on their friends list set to be really private so nobody else can see it.
      That aside, even if Mark did know Elise was a friend of Jennifer’s, was he really obligated to have to ask Jennifer for permission to ask Elise out?
      Also, if I were in Mark’s shoes, even though the date with Jennifer wasn’t terrible, I would feel funny going back to her after 3 or 4 weeks and asking, “Is Elise a friend of yours? If so, can you introduce us?”

  • Robyn

    Nope. If there has been nothing going on then friends are fair game. That goes for both men and women. I know men who respond the same. It’s clear you’re just mates and then they get upset if you show interest in a friend of theirs- that’s just not ok. I think both sexes play this game and it’s stupid. Friends are only out of bounds when it’s an ex-gf or ex-bf.

    • David Lozinski

      I totally agree Robyn that it goes for both men and women. It is a dumb game and I wonder how many people realize they’re doing it once their emotions settle? Out of curiosity, do you know anyone or have you ever been in this kind of situation? If so, how did it work out for you?

      • Robyn

        Yes I’ve been in this situation a few times when a friend of a friend has asked me out. In one instance, I was good mates with a guy but it was never anything more than just friendship. However, he got really upset and angry with me dating one of his friends and it ended our friendship. This makes me wonder how much men and women can really be platonic friends, but that’s a whole other discussion…. 🙂

        I have never dated a friend of an ex. That’s just not classy.

    • Lisa

      I agree that if you have had a relationship with a person – you should stay aay from their friends – or at least ask before you make a move. I don’t like the thought of my ex going out with my friend. It has happened and I don’t have the right to say ‘yes / no’ but I do think it’s weird and I would wonder if he had been interested in my friend all along.

  • Lorena

    I’ve been on a few dates where other men have hit on me. Out of respect for my date and good taste I declined, showed no interest. In my opinion Mark did nothing wrong. Jennifer and Mark are both single, had one date with no commitment whatsoever. Jennifer has an issue that is unfounded, without substance and quite frankly is her problem. Mark owes her nothing!

    • David Lozinski

      Does it happen often where you’re out with someone and get hit on? How do you feel when that happens? Trying to have a good time with the guy you’re out with and getting no peace from other guys?

      • Lorena

        On this particular date it happened frequently. If the man didn’t know then I politely informed him. If he knew (which some obviously did by making it obvious right in front of my date) then I found it rude & inappropriate. My date noticed and felt insecure. He told me this himself.
        Which opened up some very good dialogue between us. What if I was more interested in someone else while on a date? I have my opinions. I’d like to hear yours and ask if it has ever happened to you, being hit on while on a date or being interested more in a woman other than your date?

        • David Lozinski

          If you’re more interested in someone else while on a date, well, you at least know your current date probably isn’t the one for you. If it’s your first meeting and you met somewhere, you could always end your current date, leave, do a big circle, then come back 5-10 minutes later and perhaps pursue things with the other person who caught your interest. Just as long as your first date is out of the picture because doing anything “in their face” isn’t classy.
          I have been hit on before while out on a date with someone else, but I haven’t pursued it. One time I wanted to because the date I was with was not interesting at all. Unfortunately too, I never thought of heading back to the location where I was hit on after my first date was over.
          I would never accept a “hit” if I had a girlfriend. What I have done in the past though is play along with the conversation, then just out of the blue say something like, “I’m going to rejoin my girlfriend now. Have a great day.”, and leave.

        • Lorena

          This particular scenario was a annual fundraiser event for the Ronald McDonald House. It was our third date. While I found some of the other men attractive I showed no interest out of courtesy for my date. Attraction is simply attraction with unknown variables I find it foolish to risk losing someone you enjoy for a shot in the dark. If I’ve entered a “relationship” with a man than I’ve come to the conclusion no other man exists! 🙂

  • Lorena

    I say no harm no foul! In my opinion Mark is free and clear to do as he pleases. He had one date with Jennifer that is not the equivalent of any type of commitment. He owes her nothing. In fact based on her response to discovering his interest elsewhere perhaps she was interested in him more than he was. I’ve been on dates where other men have made advances. That was indeed “bad form” and made my date uncomfortable to say the least.